Caroline (rakuda_joba) wrote,

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hope for the best, expect the worse

i think i am cursed, i am so incredibly unlucky.

blah blah blah...

you know how pathetic this whole entry sounds, because i do. i know that i don't want to try anymore i'm so sick of being let down. i find that its better to expect the worse (and i mean really expect it.) you have to have a low self esteem, not necessarily low self image. you have to tell yourself that you don't deserve it. once you accomplish that you will never be let down. i used to be so good at thinking that way. i was hardly ever let down or surprised. this year has been different for me. i have been scared out of my mind, not knowing how my future will be at all, wondering if i should let myself go on afterward, very confusing stuff. with all of that going on now i want more than ever. but at the same time, i feel as if i should give up. i only complicate things mostly, that's what i do. and in the end it always turns out for the better. i never feel that way. i just feel like i am incredibly unlucky, that things happen to me because i have a curse that i can't break free from until i die. thankfully i have a short life expectancy, but that makes it harder to accomplish things in time. for the entire year the sand has been falling in my hourglass. then someone tips it over and my fears are prolonged. i just wish it would break then who knows what is in store after that, but i know that wont happen. so i just sit and wait, i keep trying, i keep failing, i get back up and the sand keeps falling.

but its probably a waste of time.
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